Our Journey

Today is the beginning of the new year and it always makes me reflect on the previous year. 

I spent the majority of 2007 obsessed with trying to get pregnant.  Yes, obsessed is the right word.  At first it didn’t start out as an obsession, but it quickly turned into one.  It seemed like month after month, I thought constantly about every little twinge and pain, wondering if that means that I could possibly be pregnant or if it was a sign that my period was coming.  Month after month, it was depressing everytime that my period showed up and I was not pregnant.

Here is an insight of each month:
Once my period starts, I go through a bout of depression because I just swore that the last month was going to be my month.  I call the doctor’s office and tell them that I need a new prescription for meds and then begin my dosage of chlomid.  I have to watch everything I do and say for the first two weeks of my cycle because if I just happen to get mad at someone or snap at someone, they want to automatically blame it on the chlomid.  I hate having to watch everything I do and say.  It makes being on the medication even worse.  The whole month, I have to deal with hot flashes and those are never fun.  Then starting on cycle day 12 - 20, I have to make sure I time having sex with my husband so that we don’t miss our window of opportunity.  I feel bad for Robert because there is nothing more romantic than sex on demand (detect the sarcasm there).  For the last two weeks, I have to sit and think about how this is going to be the month.  There are months when I take home pregnancy tests like crazy, but then there have been months when I just knew it wasn’t going to work so I didn’t bother wasting my money on buying tests.  When it doesn’t work out for us, there is the depression that I have to deal with that I mentioned before.

So since April, I have had to go through all of this each month.  Its not fun.  And at the same time, I have to keep on living my life because I have to.  I can’t just sit around and do nothing.  The bills won’t get paid by me sitting on my butt.

However, there are some people who do not know how it is to struggle through IF and say things that are not so nice.  I want to share some of these things that have been said and hopefully some people will think twice before saying them.  If you have ever said any of these things to me, please do not be offended.  This is my way of letting out some frustration.

“Once you stop trying will be the moment you get pregnant.” Sorry, but the moment I stop trying, I will not just automatically get pregnant.  If that were the case, I would not need to be on all these medicines.

“You are trying to hard.” If I didn’t try, it won’t happen.

“You are still young.  Don’t worry about it so much.  You still have time to get pregnant.” Yes, I am only 26 and still young, but if I don’t try now, its going to be a hell of a lot harder when I get older.

“Why don’t you adopt?  (Insert name/relationship here) got pregnant right after they adopted their first child.” I would love to adopt, but that does not mean that I still do not want a biological child of my own.

“You guys just had to get the IUI done and ruin everyone’s plans for Christmas”  I am not going to start on how this statement was just wrong.

“Just take my kids for a few days.  After that, you won’t want to have any.” I’m sorry, but those are your kids and if you think that I won’t want to have any afterwards, then why the heck did you have them to begin with?

For any woman who has ever had a pap smear, the discomfort was about the same.  Maybe just a little bit more pressure and cramping during the process.  After the doc inseminated me, he had me lay on the table for 30 minutes with my hips elevated and my legs bent.  That was the most uncomfortable 30 minutes of my life.  Imagine it…I was on a regular exam table (one that you all have sat on) and it looks like I am practically standing on my head.  Ok, so maybe standing on my head was a little extreme, but it felt like that.  I luckily remembered to bring my iPod, so it kind of helped the time go faster.  Robert was in there with me too, so that helped as well.

After the IUI was over, it was off to Alabama we go!  Woohoo!  A thirteen hour car ride after being violated (lol) by my doctor.  I experienced horrible cramping during the whole entire ride, but they have gone away.  It felt like ovulation pains, but sometimes I could feel my utereus cramping as well.

Some people may not know the entire extent of our struggle, so let me start from the beginning…

Since we have been married, I was on birth control.  Right before Robert left for Iraq in Fall of 2004, I went off birth control.  We didn’t see a need for me to be on them anymore.  After Robert got back in Spring of 2005, we talked about wanting to start a family of our own.  It wasn’t official, but it stayed with us for a while.  We made our efforts of trying to get pregnant right after Robert was medically discharged from the Army which was March 2006.  Unfortunately, my cycles were becoming extremely irregular once he came back from Iraq.  I would go anywhere from 5 weeks to 10 weeks without having a period.  This is extremely bad when you are trying to conceive.

In February of 2007, I decided that I needed to talk to my doctor about my problems.  I always mentioned it to my previous doctor about my irregular period, but he kept telling me it was stress related and I did not have anything to worry about.  Thats the Army insurance program for you.  Now that I have Scott & White insurance, I figured maybe they could help me.  The doctor that I saw in February did all kinds of blood work to see what was going on with me.  They of course did a pregnancy test and it showed up negative.  They checked my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) level, progesterone level among other things.  I don’t even remember what all they tested for.  According to all their tests, I was fine. She referred me to a fertility specialist.

Our first appointment with the fertility doctor (Dr. Wincek - cute, adorable, old man) was in April of 2007.  He also wanted some blood work done, which was expected.  He told us that I was not ovulating on my own regularly which would explain why I had irregular cycles.  He started me on a fertility drug called chlomid.  It is one of the most common medication for fertility. 

I started taking 50mg of chlomid in April (cycle day (CD) 5-9), big fat negative (BFN).

My dosage got changed to 75 mg of chlomid in May (CD 5-9), BFN.

Dosage changed to 100mg of chlomid in June (CD 5-9), BFN.

July, my dosage was changed to 200mg of chlomid (CD 5-9), BFN.  (the max dosage is 200mg).

I continue to stay at 200mg of chlomid to this date.  All BFN!

Before I continue on, let me explain what chlomid is and what it does.  Chlomid is supposed to “trick” my body that I do not have any ovaries, which in turn tells my brain that I need to produce more estrogen so that it would cause me to ovulate.  Side effects of chlomid are hot flashes (boy are they bad), mood swings and nausea.  All this I have to go through in order to get pregnant.  It’s supposed to be worth it.

After my September cycle failed, Dr. Wincek ordered me to get an HSG done.  Don’t ask me what its really called.  The HSG involves me getting a dye injected into my uterus to check to see if there is any blockage in my tubes or if there are any cysts.  The HSG was done in October and it was painful, but it was all clear.  After a woman has an HSG done, her chances of getting pregnant is supposed to increase because it “cleans out” your uterus.

Robert and I decide to go another round of chlomid (200mg CD 3-9 this time) but it was a BFN.

Now, we are at my present cycle.  We decided to move onto an IUI (intra-uterine insemination).  Basically, Robert makes a deposit into a cup, they “wash” his sperm, and then insert his sperm into my uterus using a catheter.  Simple enough, right?  Let’s hope it is that simple.

I am still on 200mg of chlomid (CD 3-9) and was put on an injectable called Repronex.  This combination is supposed to stimulate multiple follicles so that there is a higher chance that at least one egg will release.  Robert has given me my last of four shots tonight.  Ouch!  They still hurt.  Each night I was given a shot of 150 IU (international units) of Repronex that Robert had to mix up.  Its been lots of fun.