Our Journey

Today is the beginning of the new year and it always makes me reflect on the previous year. 

I spent the majority of 2007 obsessed with trying to get pregnant.  Yes, obsessed is the right word.  At first it didn’t start out as an obsession, but it quickly turned into one.  It seemed like month after month, I thought constantly about every little twinge and pain, wondering if that means that I could possibly be pregnant or if it was a sign that my period was coming.  Month after month, it was depressing everytime that my period showed up and I was not pregnant.

Here is an insight of each month:
Once my period starts, I go through a bout of depression because I just swore that the last month was going to be my month.  I call the doctor’s office and tell them that I need a new prescription for meds and then begin my dosage of chlomid.  I have to watch everything I do and say for the first two weeks of my cycle because if I just happen to get mad at someone or snap at someone, they want to automatically blame it on the chlomid.  I hate having to watch everything I do and say.  It makes being on the medication even worse.  The whole month, I have to deal with hot flashes and those are never fun.  Then starting on cycle day 12 - 20, I have to make sure I time having sex with my husband so that we don’t miss our window of opportunity.  I feel bad for Robert because there is nothing more romantic than sex on demand (detect the sarcasm there).  For the last two weeks, I have to sit and think about how this is going to be the month.  There are months when I take home pregnancy tests like crazy, but then there have been months when I just knew it wasn’t going to work so I didn’t bother wasting my money on buying tests.  When it doesn’t work out for us, there is the depression that I have to deal with that I mentioned before.

So since April, I have had to go through all of this each month.  Its not fun.  And at the same time, I have to keep on living my life because I have to.  I can’t just sit around and do nothing.  The bills won’t get paid by me sitting on my butt.