Tuesday | February 05, 2008

February 5

Today marks the 4 week mark since I found out that my IUI failed and I have mixed emotions about this past month.  Not a single day has gone by that I have not thought about being pregnant.  Part of me knows that I need to lose some weight before I get pregnant in order to have a healthier 9 months, but part of me really wants to have a baby.  I keep telling myself that this will be the month since it is the month that we stopped trying, but I just know that it won't.

Posted by Noo Noo at 23:27:18 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Monday | January 14, 2008

January 14 - Life Without Medication

If I were on fertility treatments, I would consider today to be cycle day 7.  However, I am not on any medication this month and boy do I feel more relaxed.  By this point, I would have been on my fourth day of clomid and my hormones would be going out of control and I would be having my own personal summers (hot flashes).  I hate to admit it, but it feels good to be living a life without any fertility drugs.  Not having fertility treatments run my life kind of feels good.   On the other hand, I also feel like I am letting valuable time get away from me.  Oh well.  This is a much needed break for me and for Robert.  We will see how the next few months play out for us.

Posted by Noo Noo at 20:34:43 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday | January 09, 2008

January 9 - I'm out

Well, I have bad news to share with everyone.  I learned yesterday that my IUI did not work.  I started my period yesterday, so it was pretty clear that it did not work.  I was really upset.  I wanted to cry, but I was at work.  I actually went home during lunch yesterday and cried a little.  I took the day off from work today to wallow and be depressed and try to regain myself.  Unfortunately, I had other issues (non-fertility related issues) came up and I could not relax. 

Robert and I are going to take a break now and then we will try again at a later date to be determined.
Posted by Noo Noo at 21:35:57 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Sunday | January 06, 2008

January 5 Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Someone shared this with me and I wanted to pass it on to you guys...

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be just as good a mother.

It will be not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day forthe rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes thatmoisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
~Author Unknown

Posted by Noo Noo at 18:34:14 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Friday | January 04, 2008

January 4 - Progesterone Level

On Wednesday, I went in during my conference hour at work to get my progesterone level checked.  My doctor has been checking my levels since the beginning.  Yes, that means every month I get poked (sometimes more than once) and out comes my blood.  This time around the lab tech was mean and poked me twice.  My arm is bruised and it looks like I abuse drugs now (ok, not really that bad).  Usually I am supposed to go in anywhere between cycle day 21-23, but there have been times when I have been tested on cd 16 or cd 18 before.  I am still confused on the timing of the check and the levels they are.  I keep worrying about it the more I think about it, so I just don't think about it anymore.

The nurse told Robert that my progesterone level was a 9.6.  It did show some type of ovulation, but like I said, I am still confused about it.  On an unmedicated cycle, one's progesterone level on cd 21-23 should be between 5-10 and above 15 for an medicated cycle.  I guess they are not concerned, so I am not concerned.

The nurse did say that I can take a home pregnancy test as early as Monday, so I get to wait out the weekend.  This will be the first time I have ever wanted the weekend to hurry by.  I am sure I will probably break down and test this weekend, but if I don't buy any tests, then I won't be able to test.  Or, I can always go to the dollar store and buy some of their tests.  I heard the dollar store ones are actually pretty sensitive.

I don't know.  I will see how this weekend plays out.

Posted by Noo Noo at 22:05:15 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday | January 02, 2008

January 2 - My Wonderful husband.

I just wanted to let you all know what a wonderful husband I have when it comes to dealing with our journey through infertility.  Robert has been great to me.  He has been to every single appointment with our fertility specialist.  He has sat there while the doctor pokes and prods me and has been my support system through this whole ordeal.  He has gone with me to pick up my meds, called my doctor's office for me whenever I had questions and could not call during work.  This last month he has been extra good to me.  He had to mix my vials of Repronex and has given me shots.  I think he secretly enjoys having to give me the shots.  He did go around singing "I poked you in the butt!" 

Robert has been great to me during this journey and I do not know how I would be right now if he was not on the same page as me.  I love him and can't wait to share with him the joys of parenthood.
Posted by Noo Noo at 21:26:51 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Tuesday | January 01, 2008

January 1, 2008 - A brand new year!

Happy 2008 Everyone!

Today is the beginning of the new year and it always makes me reflect on the previous year. 

I spent the majority of 2007 obsessed with trying to get pregnant.  Yes, obsessed is the right word.  At first it didn't start out as an obsession, but it quickly turned into one.  It seemed like month after month, I thought constantly about every little twinge and pain, wondering if that means that I could possibly be pregnant or if it was a sign that my period was coming.  Month after month, it was depressing everytime that my period showed up and I was not pregnant.

Here is an insight of each month:
Once my period starts, I go through a bout of depression because I just swore that the last month was going to be my month.  I call the doctor's office and tell them that I need a new prescription for meds and then begin my dosage of chlomid.  I have to watch everything I do and say for the first two weeks of my cycle because if I just happen to get mad at someone or snap at someone, they want to automatically blame it on the chlomid.  I hate having to watch everything I do and say.  It makes being on the medication even worse.  The whole month, I have to deal with hot flashes and those are never fun.  Then starting on cycle day 12 - 20, I have to make sure I time having sex with my husband so that we don't miss our window of opportunity.  I feel bad for Robert because there is nothing more romantic than sex on demand (detect the sarcasm there).  For the last two weeks, I have to sit and think about how this is going to be the month.  There are months when I take home pregnancy tests like crazy, but then there have been months when I just knew it wasn't going to work so I didn't bother wasting my money on buying tests.  When it doesn't work out for us, there is the depression that I have to deal with that I mentioned before.

So since April, I have had to go through all of this each month.  Its not fun.  And at the same time, I have to keep on living my life because I have to.  I can't just sit around and do nothing.  The bills won't get paid by me sitting on my butt.

I just hope that 2008 is the year that brings us our baby. 
Posted by Noo Noo at 10:17:41 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Sunday | December 30, 2007

Things not to say to a couple trying to conceive...

My main intention for starting this site was to enlighten my friends and family of the struggles of infertility (IF).  It was hard for us to finally admit we had infertility issues, but once we did, we were accepting of what we had to do in order for us to have a baby together. 

However, there are some people who do not know how it is to struggle through IF and say things that are not so nice.  I want to share some of these things that have been said and hopefully some people will think twice before saying them.  If you have ever said any of these things to me, please do not be offended.  This is my way of letting out some frustration.

"Once you stop trying will be the moment you get pregnant." Sorry, but the moment I stop trying, I will not just automatically get pregnant.  If that were the case, I would not need to be on all these medicines.

"You are trying to hard." If I didn't try, it won't happen.

"You are still young.  Don't worry about it so much.  You still have time to get pregnant." Yes, I am only 26 and still young, but if I don't try now, its going to be a hell of a lot harder when I get older.

"Why don't you adopt?  (Insert name/relationship here) got pregnant right after they adopted their first child." I would love to adopt, but that does not mean that I still do not want a biological child of my own.

"You guys just had to get the IUI done and ruin everyone's plans for Christmas"  I am not going to start on how this statement was just wrong.

"Just take my kids for a few days.  After that, you won't want to have any." I'm sorry, but those are your kids and if you think that I won't want to have any afterwards, then why the heck did you have them to begin with?

There are more, but I can't think of any right now.  I will update when I can think of them.


Posted by Noo Noo at 09:03:47 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

December 30 - In Alabama

Well, we had our first (and hopefully last) IUI procedure done on Wednesday, Dec. 26.  I think it went well.  Robert and I arrived at the hospital so that he could drop off his boys at 7:30am.  They didn't call him in until 10 til 8.  He went back to a room and did his thing (for all who are curious, yes, they do provide magazines).  Afterwards, we waited til it was time to go in and see the doctor.  The doc came in around 9:40 and told us that Robert gave us a good count.  After the "sperm wash" there were 32 million swimmers.  Awesome number!  They usually want it to be higher than 20 million.  His swimmers were in this little syringe that I couldn't believe how small it was.  The nurse made me check that it was properly labeled and that they were not putting someone else's swimmers inside me.  It had all the correct information so it was good to go.  The only thing that gets me is that, yes, it was labled correctly, but how do I know that what they put in there was my husband's swimmers?  I know that the hospital would never intentionally do that, but the question did pop up in my mind.

For any woman who has ever had a pap smear, the discomfort was about the same.  Maybe just a little bit more pressure and cramping during the process.  After the doc inseminated me, he had me lay on the table for 30 minutes with my hips elevated and my legs bent.  That was the most uncomfortable 30 minutes of my life.  Imagine it...I was on a regular exam table (one that you all have sat on) and it looks like I am practically standing on my head.  Ok, so maybe standing on my head was a little extreme, but it felt like that.  I luckily remembered to bring my iPod, so it kind of helped the time go faster.  Robert was in there with me too, so that helped as well.

After the IUI was over, it was off to Alabama we go!  Woohoo!  A thirteen hour car ride after being violated (lol) by my doctor.  I experienced horrible cramping during the whole entire ride, but they have gone away.  It felt like ovulation pains, but sometimes I could feel my utereus cramping as well.

Now, we just wait.  Two weeks after the IUI was done is when I should be able to know anything.  Its just killing me having to go through these next two weeks.  At least it is only 10 days away now, but I am sure that 10 days will never seem so long.
Posted by Noo Noo at 08:36:05 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Monday | December 24, 2007

December 24 Merry Christmas Eve!

We went to the doctor this morning for an ultrasound to see how my body responded to the medication.  The doctor said there were two good size follicles ready to go.  One was 19mm and one was 20mm.  They say that they want your follicles to be as close to 20mm as possible, and mine are right on track.  Robert has to give me an HCG shot today between 4pm and 6pm.  It is supposed to trigger my follicles to release an egg.  Then on Wednesday morning we go in and get our IUI done.  Robert has to drop off his boys by 7:30 and I go in at 9 to receive them.  Right after it is over, we are leaving straight from there to go to Alabama to visit family, so I get to sit down all day after the process is over.

Posted by Noo Noo at 12:41:31 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |